Self-Esteem
What is self-esteem? Self-esteem is how we value
ourselves; it is how we perceive our value to the world and how valuable we
think we are to others. Self-esteem affects our trust in others, our
relationships, our work – nearly every part of our lives. Positive self-esteem
gives us the strength and flexibility to take charge of our lives and grow from
our mistakes without the fear of rejection.
We all know that self-esteem can be
an important part of success. Too little self-esteem can leave people feeling
defeated or depressed. It can also lead people to make bad choices, fall into
destructive relationships, or fail to live up to their full potential. But what
about too much self-esteem? Narcissism can certainly be off-putting and can
even damage personal relationships.
Self-esteem levels at the extreme
high and low ends of the spectrum can be damaging, so the ideal is to strike a
balance somewhere in the middle. A realistic yet positive view of the self is
often considered the ideal.
But what exactly is self-esteem?
Where does it come from and what influence does it really have on our lives?
So what exactly is self-esteem?
In psychology, the term self-esteem
is used to describe a person's overall sense of self-worth or personal value.
Self-esteem is often seen as a personality trait,
which means that it tends to be stable and enduring.
Components
of Self-Esteem
According to one definition (Braden,
1969), there are three key components of self-esteem:
- Self-esteem is an essential human need that is vital for survival and normal, healthy development.
- Self-esteem arises automatically from within based upon a person's beliefs and consciousness.
- Self-esteem occurs in conjunction with a person's thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and actions.
Self-Esteem
Theories
The need for self-esteem plays an
important role in psychologist Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which depicts self-esteem as one of the basic human
motivations. Maslow suggested that people need both esteem from other people as
well as inner self-respect. Both of these needs must be fulfilled in order for
an individual to grow as a person and achieve self-actualization.
It is important to note that
self-esteem is a concept distinct from self-efficacy,
which involves the belief in future actions, performance, or abilities.
Factors
That Can Influence Self-Esteem
As you might imagine, there are a
number of different factors that can influence self-esteem. Genetic factors
that help shape overall personality can play a role, but it is often our
experiences that form the basis for overall self-esteem. Those who consistently
receive overly critical or negative assessments from caregivers, family
members, and friends, for example, will likely experience problems with low
self-esteem.
Self-Esteem
Synonyms:
- Self-worth
- Self-respect
- Self-value
signs of positive self-esteem:
v Confidence
v Self-direction
v Non-blaming behavior
v An awareness of personal strengths
v An ability to make mistakes and learn from them
v An ability to accept mistakes from others
v Optimism
v An ability to solve problems
v An independent and cooperative attitude
v Feeling comfortable with a wide range of emotions
v An ability to trust others
v A good sense of personal limitations
v Good self-care
v The ability to say no
What is low self-esteem? Low self-esteem is a debilitating condition that keeps
individuals from realizing their full potential. A person with low self-esteem
feels unworthy, incapable, and incompetent. In fact, because the person with
low self-esteem feels so poorly about him or herself, these feelings may
actually cause the person’s continued low self-esteem.
signs of low self-esteem:
v Negative view of life
v Perfectionist attitude
v Mistrusting others – even those who show signs of
affection
v Blaming behavior
v Fear of taking risks
v Feelings of being unloved and unlovable
v Dependence – letting others make decisions
v Fear of being ridiculed
How
can you raise low self-esteem?
Feelings of low self-esteem
often build up over a lifetime, and letting go of ingrained feelings and
behaviors is not an easy task. It may take time, hard work, and it may require
professional counseling. But there are some simple, positive thinking
techniques that can be used to help improve self-esteem. These are called
affirmations.
Using affirmations to stop
negative self-talk is a simple, positive way to help increase self-esteem.
Affirmations are encouraging messages we can give ourselves every day until
they become part of our feelings and beliefs. Affirmations work best when a
person is relaxed. But since people are often upset when they are giving
themselves negative self-messages, they may need to counter negative messages
with positive ones.
For example, replace the
message “I made a stupid mistake, and I am no good at this job,” with “Yes, I
made a mistake but I have learned from it, and now I can a better job.” Begin
each day by looking in the mirror and giving yourself a positive message. The
following affirmations can help you to work toward a positive self-image:
v I respect myself and others
v I am lovable and likable
v I am confident, and it shows
v I acre about myself
v I am creating loving, healthy relationships
v I am a good friend to myself and others
v I accept myself just as I am
v I look great
v Life is good, and I like being a part of it
THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM
1. The Practice of Living Consciously
2. The Practice of Self-Acceptance
3. The Practice of Self-Responsibility
4. The Practice of Self-Assertiveness
5. The Practice of Living Purposefully
6. The Practice of Personal Integrity
(Please note the use of “The Practice
of…” Self-esteem is not an idea. It’s a PRACTICE. :)
1. THE
PRACTICE OF SELF-ESTEEM
“What determines the level of self-esteem is what the individual does.”
It’s
nice to talk about ideas, memorize inspiring words, and get an intellectual
understanding of something. But it’s what we DO that leads to our self-esteem.
Branden continues by saying: “A ‘practice’ implies a discipline of
acting in a certain way over and over again—consistently. It is not action by
fits and starts, or even an appropriate response to a crisis. Rather, it
is a way of operating day by day, in big issues and small, a way of behaving
that is also a way of being.”
“To
find it humiliating to admit an error is a certain sign of a flawed
self-esteem.”
~
Nathaniel Branden
2. THE
PRACTICE OF SELF-ACCEPTANCE
“We can run not only from our dark
side but also from our bright side—from anything that threatens to make us
stand out or stand alone, or that calls for the awakening of the hero with in us, or that asks that
we break through to a higher level of consciousness and reach a higher ground
of integrity. The greatest crime we commit against ourselves is not that we may
deny or disown our shortcomings but that we deny and disown our
greatness—because it frightens us. If a fully realized self-acceptance does not
evade the worst within us, neither does it evade the best.”
The practice of
self-acceptance. It’s the second pillar of self-esteem. In his chapter
dedicated to this pillar, Branden beautifully and powerful articulates the need
to practice self-acceptance—which we might best be able to sum up as “my
refusal to be in an adversarial relationship with myself.”
And, in addition to the
acceptance of our light, he advises us that “As a psychotherapist I see
nothing does as much for an individual’s self-esteem as becoming aware of and
accepting disowned parts of the self. The first steps of healing and growth are
awareness and acceptance—consciousness and integration.”
Check out the book for more
mojo on integrating the disowned shadows within yourself. For now, how about a
spotlight on the light… Are you accepting your own greatness?
3.
THE
PRACTICE OF SELF-RESPONSIBILITY
“I am responsible for my
choices and actions. To be ‘responsible’ in this context means responsible not
as the recipient of moral blame or guilt, but responsible as the chief causal
agent in my life and behavior.”
The third pillar of
self-esteem: the practice of self-responsibility. We talk about this one *a
lot.* (As you know if you’ve read many of these Notes! :)
Responsibility. Break it up
into its two little word-segments: response-able. It’s simple: We’re
responsible when we’re “able to respond” to life’s challenges as healthy,
autonomous human beings. NOT as victims, blaming this or that for our
challenges or feeling shame or guilt for not living up to someone
else’s/society’s standards, but as individuals who own our abilities to
manifest our desires as we engage in life.
So, question time: Can you
turn your response-able dial up a notch or two?
4.
THE
PRACTICE OF SELF-ASSERTIVENESS
“To practice
self-assertiveness is to live authentically, to speak and act from my innermost
convictions and feelings—as a way of life, as a rule.”
The practice of
self-assertiveness. It’s the fourth pillar of self-esteem.
The essence of this pillar
is to be REAL.
To drive this point home,
remember the idea that “authentic” and “author” come from the same root. To be
authentic is literally to be the author of your own story. Are you?
Here’s another angle on the
power and practice of self-assertiveness: “Warren Bennis, our preeminent
scholar of leadership, tells us that the basic passion in the best leaders he
has studied is for self-expression. Their work is clearly a vehicle for
self-actualization. Their desire is to bring ‘who they are’ into the world,
into reality, which I speak of as the practice of self-assertiveness.”
5.
THE
PRACTICE OF LIVING PURPOSEFULLY
“To live purposefully is to
use our powers for the attainment of goals we have selected: the goal of
studying, of raising a family, of earning a living, of starting a new business,
of bringing a new product into the marketplace, of solving a scientific
problem, of building a vacation home, of sustaining a happy romantic
relationship. It is our goals that lead us forward, that call on the exercise
of our faculties, that energize our existence.”
Living purposefully. It’s
the fifth pillar.
Lest you think goal setting
is not for “spiritual” peeps, consider this: “Understood correctly, there is
nothing intrinsically ‘Western’ about a strong goal orientation. When Buddha
set out in search of enlightenment, was he not moved by a passionate purpose?”
So, what’re your goals?
What deeply inspires you?!?
Not what you think you *should* do or that you think would impress others, but
the visions that deeply resonate with your highest values and ideals!
Are you clear?
Are you living in integrity with ‘em?
6. PERSONAL
INTEGRITY
“Integrity is the integration of
ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs—and behavior. When our behavior is
congruent with our professed values, when ideals and practice match up, we have
integrity.
Observe that before the issue of
integrity can even be raised we need principles of behavior—moralconvictions about
what is and is not appropriate—judgments about right and wrong action. If we do
not yet hold standards, we are on too low a developmental rung even to be
accused of hypocrisy. In such a case, our problems are too severe to be
described merely as lack of integrity.”
The practice of personal
integrity. It’s the sixth and final pillar of self-esteem. Without it, the
preceding practices “disintegrate.”
Do your ideals, convictions,
standards, beliefs AND behavior all line up?
And, perhaps even more
importantly, do you even have a sense of what your ideals, convictions,
standards and beliefs ARE to use as a basis for your measurement of how you’re
doing?!?
Well, do you?
… And, are they? :)
